Don't Sleep With These Men

Sometimes I drink too much. There are times I sleep around too much. My therapist says I have a very robust sexual appetite, which has indeed gotten me into trouble at times when alcohol is involved. In fact, I will be honest and share that I am actually in therapy so that I can learn to control my behavior because I do not want to end up with an unwanted pregnancy, std, or sleep with a psycho killer (which would be the worst of the three because then I would be dead, duh). However, sometimes shit happens and I will wake up with someone who is a stereotype that I really should not have slept with, which is how I got the idea for this entry. This blog entry details the six types of guys that you never want to wake up with after a one night stand.

1. The Immature Joker

This guy has never had a one night stand before and doesn't know how to act. As a result, he jokes around and his jokes are so bad that you will want to cry, groan, moan... basically anything that isn't a laugh. However, being the nice chick that you are, you will politely smile, let a giggle slip out, and tell him that you have to run to work so he's going to have to leave. There is only one instance in which the immature joker has a chance with you: he is so taken by you that his jokes are only bad because he is nervous. This will rarely happen because it is typically your vagina and mouth that he is taken by, not your winning personality.

2. The Artist

This guy draws pictures of things on your body with his fingertips. He probably saw it in a movie or read about it in a magazine and decided that he would do it from then on. Do you know what it makes me do? Fall asleep.

3. The Leech

This guy attaches himself to you in every way possible the next day. He misses one major detail about the one night stand... the "one night" eludes him. He will ask you if you want to go out to breakfast, which is great, or he will offer to make you breakfast, which is really great - if you like him. However, this is someone that you never planned on being with for more than one night, therefore you don't want to have any sort of breakfast with him. Once a guy stayed at my place for most of the day before I finally realized that I would have to go to work in order for him to leave my place. He called me every day for months afterward even though I told him I wasn't interested. I do not recommend getting drunk enough that you sleep with one of these guys, it is a very bad mistake! Do NOT do it!! Also, never give out your real number. I don't know if I will ever learn that lesson because here I am, almost 28, and I still give out my real number. That's why I have people listed in my contacts with Ignore as their first name.

4. The Smooth Talker

Oh my gods, this guy is the worst! This one will send you screaming all the way to the nearest clinic to get tested for std's even though you used a condom, and trust me, you will be so grateful when you get your period the next month. This guy is really good looking and talks even better than he looks. However, this guy has a hidden flaw that becomes apparent if you ever go out with him again. He hits on everyone. You use the bathroom and when you come back his arm is around his new friend, Lisa. He goes out for a smoke with his new friend Sally. He met Jane just by picking out music at the jukebox. You get the point. This dude is a player. He tries not to be, hence why he wanted to go out with you again, but he can't help it. It is in his nature. He sleeps around more than you do! You are not looking to date yourself now, are you? I didn't think so. Besides, what if this guy never gets tested? You are totally running to the clinic now.

5. The Jerk

This guy is a fucking idiot. If you are at his place and ask for a glass of water he will act like he was just drafted to fight a war on your behalf. If he was at your place and he asked for a glass of water, you would simply get it for him or tell him which cabinet holds the glasses. It is possible that with this guy in the morning he will try to wake you up by having sex with you while you are asleep, because that's the kind of guy he is. It is also possible that you won't even get a chance to sleep because he will tell you he can't sleep with people in his bed. This guy is the kind of guy that movies glorify but women in real life develop a hate for. You sleep with this type only once. If you sleep with a guy like this more than once then you have a problem with self esteem and should probably get some help.

6. The Know-it-All

Do you like waking up and hearing that your book collection would be better with this guy and that guy and this other guy in your bookcase? Do you like hearing what Moby Dick is really all about? Do you really want to argue about Kant in the morning? Do you want to hear what level he thinks you are on according to Maslow's hierarchy of needs? These would all be great conversations to have when you don't have a hangover and a need to shower last night off of you.

No worries, I am going to follow this up with the types of chicks you never want to wake up to.