The Bathroom Experience(s)

Author: F

One should never underestimate the surprise held inside a bathroom where two hormonal people are concerned. I was writing a post about places I was kicked out of and I thought to myself, why not write about bathrooms too since I have had my fair share of those experiences as well? So here you go, people. Without further ado, the bathroom experiences:

1. Subterranean. Sub-t is a small music venue in Wicker Park. There are three levels in Sub-t; the first level is a regular bar that has Reggae Night (fun!). The second and third levels are a music venue. My favorite story to tell that involves bathrooms is the time at this place when my friends coworkers fed me shots of whiskey (yummy!) and the sound guy working transformed into this drop dead gorgeous man before my very eyes! Seriously, the wonders of alcohol, people. He was attractive to begin with but we all know that alcohol transforms the attractive into the supermodel. Anyway, I was having fun flirting with him because I knew nothing would come of it because he had a girlfriend. Men with girlfriends are easy to flirt with because, news flash bitches, men with girlfriends aren't available to become anyone elses boyfriend. If they are able to have more than one girlfriend at a time then they are what I like to call bad multi-taskers. We all know that men suck when it comes to multi-tasking so if a man is taking on more than one girlfriend then he deserves the fallout that comes from getting caught. Also, I know, this is so shocking, some of you are probably thinking that men with more than one girlfriend are players. They aren't players! True players are the men who can handle two wives that live on different coasts and pretend to have a whole other profession! Hello? You date more than one person at a time, you aren't a player, you are a just doing something that humans already has a name for. Are you ready? It's called... dating.

I digress. So there I was, drinking, flirting, having an over all good time, when the urge to pee struck. I told him I would be back and raced up the stairs to the bathroom. I was so relieved that there wasn't a line that I threw the door open and when I tried to close it, it wouldn't close. In fact, there was something in the way of closing it. Sound guy was right behind me and closed the door behind me and locked it. "If I don't do this now then I won't ever do it," he said. I probably should have been freaked out but I was too confused to freak out and I was also busy with consuming thoughts of having to pee. He pushed me onto the sink and gave me one of the top three best kisses of my life. I can't remember if he was genuinely a good kisser or if it was just the situation itself, but if it weren't for the fact that he had a gf I probably would have been down for fucking him right there, peeing be damned.

2. Saint Mary's. I had a roommate my sophomore year at The Woods so I couldn't very well make out all of the time with her there. That would have been weird and rude as hell. My boyfriend at the time was really horny and told me that I did such a great time with our tutoring that he wanted to give me a surprise. I was like, okay, what? So he took my hand, led me to the bathroom my roommate and I shared with a suite mate, and gave me oral. Do you know how awesome oral is when you have one foot on the floor and the other foot on the toilet? Haaa! Had you there. It's not awesome. It's fucking weird. I got a leg cramp.

3. Lambda Chi, Rose Hulman. My friends and I were total Lambda Chi sluts. Granted, one of the chicks and I held on to our virginity for a long time, at least as far as Terre Haute was concerned. Teens get pregnant in Terre Haute because there is something in the water that makes teens bored and horny so the simple fact that I made it to twenty before losing my virginity is something I am very, very proud of. I didn't have sex in the bathroom but I did get to make out after one night when my friends and I were involved in pudding wrestling. Yeah, I was one of those chicks. Get over it.

4. The Verve. This one I am not proud of but would be remiss not to include it since I'm talking about bathrooms. The Verve is hands down the best bar in Terre Haute. My friends and I frequented it all of the time. When I think back of things that I miss, The Verve will always one of them. Some guy who pretended like he didn't have a girlfriend and fooled me into thinking that he actually was single followed me into a bathroom there and kissed me. At the time I thought it was awesome. Fast forward an hour and I was fucking pissed. Shit happens.

5. I House, Rose Hulman. The International House was a place I went to when I was knee deep in prescription meds for my depression and ADHD and drinking like an eighties rock star. I remember thinking that no one could see me going in to the bathroom with this guy but the truth is everyone knew. I hate thinking back to those days. It seems like a lifetime ago. I don't even remember the guys name but I'm sure my friends who I frequented the place with will remind me. It's also the place where my friend Doug came up with some quote about a stainless steel helicopter and toast. I don't think people were ever truly sober there.

Wow. I feel like I need to take a shower now.