By: Faith
Disclaimer: I did not purposefully stalk out a midget to fuck him.
Ever since I read the amazing book by Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life, I wondered what it would be like to have sex with a dwarf. Not to ruin it for you if you haven't read the book yet, but she doesn't have sex with the dwarf. I know... I was disappointed as well. I pride myself on my conquests but wasn't sure if I should even bother adding little people to the list because to me that is almost as bad as adding Puerto Rican to the list. By the way, I love Puerto Ricans. They will be on my list forever. I digress. Dwarves were not on my list of People I Want to Sleep With At Least Once In My Life, but I decided as soon as I saw him that he was going on my list. Wait! I'm getting ahead of myself.
His name is Lyle. Okay, his name isn't really Lyle, but I'm going to call him that for the sake of this story. I was also highly inebriated so it is possible that some things are exaggerated and others won't be brought to light because they are trapped in the deep recesses of my mind. Cue the story:
I had a really shitty night at the pub I work at so my friend Ash and I decided to blow off some steam at the Oasis. The Oasis is an awesome (awesomely bad in a great way) 4AM bar (5AM on Saturdays!) that I like to go to when I want to make bad decisions or when I'm with my girl friends and we want to get blitzed. I love the staff there, I love the owner, and I love that it is next to a 7-Eleven. If you live in Chicago then you need to go to the O at least once. Ash left me to smoke, pee, whatever, so I was sitting alone at the bar. I noticed something short heading my way out of my peripheral vision but I lacked the sobriety to realize that the object was a human male. As I sipped on my delicious Jack & Coke the man climbed onto the bar stool next to me.
"I hope no one is sitting here," he said to me in a deep, yet oddly high voice (I have no idea how else to describe it). "No," I slurred, "my friends can sit on the other chairs" and I pointed at all of the empty stools surrounding the bar. He told me his name and started talking about his job. I don't understand why men always feel the need to talk to me about something as boring as what they do to make money. As he talked about what he does for a living, I started planning my routine for the next day. I love making lists in my mind, especially when I'm drunk. "So what is your favorite movie?" I'm startled by a question about myself and try to think of movies I like on the spot. Well, two movies that I will love until I die are Gladiator and Braveheart, so I of course enlighten his life by telling him how they are cinematic masterpieces.
My friend Ash came back from wherever she had been at this point and started laughing as soon as she registered what was going on. She sat down and the three of us had a grand conversation about nothing. At one point as the night wore on I realized that I was horny and was probably going to at least make out with Little Lyle since LL had already told me a million times that I was pretty. I don't know how to describe the feeling I got when I realized how lucky I was. I mean, I felt like if there was a God then he was truly smiling down at me and letting me know that my night was going to end on a much higher note than it had started. Then, as this was slowly dawning on me, LL looked at me and said the magical sentence: "So, wanna go back to my place and watch Gladiator with me?" "Fuck yes," I responded, and handed Ash my keys. Oh yeah, Ash was staying at my place. This means that I planned on calling her when I got back home so that I could get inside. However, as there is always a downside to every plan, Ash is notorious for her phone dying and I would procede to sit in a cafe for most of the morning the next day until she woke up and let me in.
I awoke the next day with bleary eyes, a foggy mind, and an intense need to pee. I fumbled for my glasses and allowed my eyes to adjust. Shit, I thought, where are my skivvies? Oh crap, where am I?! Oh no, I forgot the poor guys name! I quickly ran through the events of the last night but couldn't remember anything after work. For some reason I am amazingly adept at being able to forget things quickly. I am basically the poster child for people who will definitely have dementia later on in life. I looked over to my side and saw LL sprawled out on a chair with a pile of blankets over him, snoring while wearing a big grin on his face. I took note of his height and became excited all over again upon realizing that I had sex with a real life little man. Then, my grin faded as quickly as it came. I jumped off of the couch and inspected it. You see, my friends, I was on my period. I have no idea how I did not bleed on his couch but I will not question what was obviously divine power at work. I found my panties hanging off the corner of a bookcase. I found (close your eyes, man! Don't read this!) my tampon thrown over a lampshade. Good lord, I thought, I sure know how to leave my mark at a place.
I quickly dressed and of course LL had to wake up and throw my whole escape plan out the window. He stood up, completely nude, and I couldn't help but gawk. You see, I am a horrible person that stereotypes. I just assumed that he would have had a little penis to go with his little body. No. No, sir. Not at all. The opposite, even. "I am going to program my number into your phone and we are going to go out to dinner," he informed me. "Uh... yeah... that doesn't work for me." "What do you mean that doesn't work for you?" "Well," I stammered, "honestly... I don't care to see people again after I have sex with them. It's totally not you, it's me!" "That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard," he said. "But I'll tell you what, I am giving you my number so that you can decide whether or not to answer when I call you about dinner." I laughed out loud and let him know that I wouldn't be answering. "Whatever," he retorted, "you'll answer because I'm awesome and you had a great time last night." "I barely remember last night," I argued. "Perfect. This means you need it to be repeated!" I swear, some guys don't know when to quit.
You guys! I had sex with a midget!!
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